40 This-or-That Questions for Friends from Sarhny (صارحني)

"This or that?" looks like the lightest question there is. Coffee or tea, beach or mountains, call or text. But the answer is only half of it. The interesting part is the reason behind the pick, and a good this-or-that question opens a door to that reason without putting anyone on the spot. This guide gives you 40 this-or-that questions for friends, grouped from easy to more revealing, plus the follow-up habits that turn a quick choice into a real conversation.

Why this-or-that questions work so well with friends

An open question like "What makes you happy?" can feel like a job interview. A choice between two options is different: it takes a second to answer, there is no wrong pick, and nobody has to write a paragraph. That low effort makes it easy to say yes to.

The second strength is contrast. When a friend picks "a quiet night in" over "a packed party", you learn something, but you learn more when you ask why. Maybe they are tired, maybe they have never enjoyed big crowds, maybe they just had a great night in last week. The choice is the hook; the follow-up is the conversation.

The third strength is fairness. Everyone gets the same two options, so nobody feels singled out. That makes these questions a good fit for a group chat, a car ride, a dinner table or a story sticker, where a heavy personal question would feel out of place.

How to use these questions

• Start light, go deeper slowly. The sets below are ordered on purpose. Open with the easy ones and move to the revealing ones only when the mood is right.
• Allow a third answer."Neither" and "it depends" are valid. Some of the warmest conversations start with someone explaining why both options are wrong for them.
• Answer your own question too.If you ask "old friends or new adventures?", give your own pick and your own reason. It turns the exchange into a conversation rather than a quiz.
• Never mock a pick. Light teasing about pineapple on pizza is part of the fun. Teasing someone about how they handle conflict or what scares them is not.

Set 1: easy warm-up questions (10)

These are quick, fun and impossible to get wrong. They work well as an opener in a group chat or as the first round of an evening.

1. Coffee or tea?
2. Sunrise or sunset?
3. Beach holiday or city break?
4. Sweet or salty snacks?
5. Calls or voice notes?
6. Rewatch a favourite series or start something new?
7. Early bird or night owl?
8. Board games or video games?
9. Rainy day indoors or sunny day outside?
10. Plan every detail of a trip or figure it out when you land?

Follow-up idea: for the last one, ask about the trip that proved their point. Planners and improvisers each have a story ready.

Set 2: friendship and social life (10)

These ask how your friend likes to spend time with people. The answers are useful: they tell you how to invite them, how to support them and what kind of plans they will enjoy.

1. One big group of friends or a few close ones?
2. A quiet night in or a packed party?
3. A friend who tells you the hard truth or one who cheers you up first?
4. Talk a problem through right away or think it over alone first?
5. Surprise plans or plans you know about in advance?
6. Long messages or short, frequent ones?
7. Celebrate your birthday big or keep it small?
8. Lend a friend your favourite book or buy them their own copy?
9. Be the one who organises or the one who shows up?
10. Meet up in person once a month or chat a little every day?

Follow-up idea: question 3 is a good one to come back to later. If a friend says they prefer the hard truth, ask how they would like to hear it. That single answer can save you an awkward moment one day.

Set 3: values and personality (10)

These go a step deeper. They are still a choice between two options, but the reason behind each pick says something about how a person sees the world.

1. Be right or be kind?
2. A job you love with a modest salary or a job you tolerate with a high one?
3. Know the future or be able to change the past?
4. Be admired by many or deeply understood by a few?
5. Say exactly what you think or keep the peace?
6. Stay in your hometown or move somewhere completely new?
7. Forgive quickly or take time before you trust again?
8. Take a big risk or keep a sure thing?
9. Be remembered for your work or for how you treated people?
10. Have more time or have more energy?

Follow-up idea: ask "Was your answer different five years ago?" People change, and hearing how a friend has changed is one of the more interesting parts of knowing someone for a long time.

Set 4: honest and reflective questions (10)

Save these for a moment when the conversation is already warm, ideally with one or two close friends rather than a big group. They ask about feelings and habits, so give people room to pass.

1. Hear a hard truth from a friend or find out on your own later?
2. Say sorry first or wait for the other person?
3. Ask for help or figure it out yourself?
4. Be told you changed for the better or that you stayed the same?
5. Share good news right away or keep it to yourself for a while?
6. Get a compliment in public or in private?
7. Know what your friends really think of you or keep the mystery?
8. Fix a fight tonight or sleep on it?
9. Be the friend who listens or the friend who gives advice?
10. Reconnect with an old friend or deepen a new friendship?

Question 7 is a good bridge to something more concrete. If a friend says they would like to know what people really think of them, they can find out in a gentle way, which is covered further down.

Turning a choice into a conversation

A this-or-that question gives you a one-word answer. What you do next decides whether it stays a one-word answer. A few habits help:

• Ask "why that one?" It is the simplest follow-up, and it does a lot of the work.
• Ask for a story."When did you figure that out about yourself?" turns an opinion into a memory.
• Flip it."What would make you pick the other one?" shows where the line is.
• Notice surprises.If a friend you thought of as a planner picks spontaneity, say so. "I didn't expect that" is an invitation to explain.
• Do not argue the pick. The point is to understand your friend, not to convince them that tea is better than coffee.

Where to use this-or-that questions

Group chats

Post one question at a time and give your own answer straight away. A single question with a clear pick from you is easier to join than a list of ten. For more prompts that suit a group, see questions to ask in a group chat.

Car rides and dinners

Take turns: one person asks, everyone answers, then the next person asks. Set 1 and Set 2 work well here because they keep the mood light while still giving people something to talk about.

Game nights

You can mix these questions into a game. In Sarhny's Showdowngame, the winner of a match asks the loser a question to answer honestly, so a this-or-that pick from Set 3 or Set 4 makes a good winner's question. You can invite a friend with a 6-character code that stays valid for 30 minutes. If you would rather keep things open-ended, truth questions without dares is a longer list built for the same kind of evening.

Stories and status updates

Two options side by side are easy to answer with a single tap or a short reply. Post a pair from Set 1 or Set 2 and see who replies with a reason rather than just a pick. Those replies can be the start of a good private conversation.

When a friend wants honest answers about themselves

Some this-or-that questions lead somewhere personal. A friend who picks "know what my friends really think of me" in Set 4 might actually want to hear it. That is hard to ask face to face, and harder to answer honestly.

One gentle way is a Sarhny (صارحني) mirror: you write one question, for example "What is one thing I do that you appreciate?", and share its link with friends. Each reply can be up to 300 characters, only you see the replies, and the sender's identity is not shown to you or to any other user. It keeps the honesty and removes the pressure of saying it out loud.

Questions to skip

Not every pair belongs in a friendly round. Leave out choices that rank people in the room ("who would you rather..."), compare friends to each other, push someone to reveal something private in front of a group, or touch on topics you know are painful for someone present. A this-or-that question should be easy to answer for everyone in the conversation. If it is not, pick another one.

Make your own this-or-that questions

Once you have used these 40, writing your own is simple. Take something your group cares about, such as a shared hobby, a city you all know or a series you all watched, and find two options that are both reasonable. The pair works when people hesitate for a second before answering. That hesitation is where the interesting reason lives.

A good test: would you be happy to answer your own question in front of everyone? If yes, it is ready. If you would like a ready-made bank of prompts to mix in, the questions for friends page is a good place to keep going.